my husband is driving my daughter away
Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. Your husband sounds like a jerk. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. Cardinals games and all. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. Heck no! The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Lily in NYC You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. lets_be_honest is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. Also, at what point does the LW start to teach her daughter that she should stand up for herself and her interests hate to think about the precedent being set that we must always cowtow to the man of the house. Shes all the better for it. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. lets_be_honest Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. lets_be_honest My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. I hated sitting through long sports games. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Interested in science? FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. July 2, 2013, 1:12 pm, It wasnt deliberate. They loved it, I hated it. Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. Liquid Luck What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. . J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. Im dying for new people to follow! My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. It makes them feel safe. She may still resent her father and you! MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. lets_be_honest I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. A: There are two things to consider here. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Others see him as a bully and a hole. My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. And musicals should be revered as an art form. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. Addie Pray But you know what. it seems to . If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. My comment obviously wasnt clear. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). So insightful! And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. Mother of a Fangirl. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? He. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. My point is that he is sort of entitled to have a threshold of finding the interests of a 12 year old girl annoying. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. Its already happening. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. What is this site, a Masters program? If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. You always give good advice (duh!) And so does dad. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. I was like 7.) We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. Whats ok is to have a balance. I take little credit for how lucky I am. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. findingtheearth The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. Awesome show full of information. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. Really so good and so true! My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. bittergaymark But you know what? If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Show interest in his interests. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. Manchester United bidders move to the next stage of takeover process', Remo Freuler admits Everton's visit is biggest game of season for Forest. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. Im peace-ing out. Hah! Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. lets_be_honest She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Its not rocket science. Being oblivious to financial matters. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world.